Feeling Sort of Confused

Okay, I am here in my apartment. I have a final tomorrow, which I think I am ready for. I don't even know if I really care how I am doing in school anymore. I don't know if I will finish or go back to school. I do have a degree. I need to be with Brett but I feel that I think I have something going on here. I don't know. I want to do alot. Maybe I should go to school to just sing. That is all I got-- my voice. I am tired of living alone and I do love Brett. Maybe we can find something for me to do in Alamosa. I need to be with him. It would be nice to bbe near my boyfriend than near my ex-boyfriends--don't you think?

Now What?

It is the week of finals. I only haf to take one out of two of my classes; fortunately i was excused by my intorduction to business instructor to not take the final because I passed the class with an A. Now, I don't know what to do with my self. I could study for my other class, which would be the logical thing to do, or I could plan to do something fun after I am done with that final. I want to start a tradition where some of the cousins would bake something for the holidays. I wanted to do that last year. I think I should do it myself because it seems to take to much time wasted to wait for things to happen. I will do things by myself. If other people want to join me, then the more the merrier. I would like to do candy or cookies, anything to make the holidays feel festive. I could do my traditional brownies and apple coffee cake. I can't wait. I will bake them even if I have to get the ingredients by myself.

What I Learn this Week

I learned in ibntro to business that first I have to invest in myself and second is a house. A house is what I always wantee. I have beentaking of myself and my family in a way especially my mom. I am not responsible of her I need to to take care of myself. I want toleave California so I don't have to feel responsible of anyone any more. I am only one person, I have to take care ofmyself. She used to tell me everything about her I had no way of leaving th house because I felt that she cornered me. I am in my own place bu I feel that I don't have my own say how I want my home to be or how I could get out and be with my boyfriend. I want to be with him. That is another thing, he does not to live in Colorado anymore,or at least live in the snow anymore. I don't know what to do. I just need to take of just myself. I hate this. I don't like this. I am not happy at where I am at.

Here Abain

I am home bored. I do have homework to do but I want to doo something else. I wish I can do something fun.Idon't have friends to call me. They have their own lives. I don't want to bother them. I am more than half way done with the semester, can't wait till it's done. I want to take theater and singing class next semester. I want to laugh again.I am tired of being sad, its time to be happy again.

It's been a While

I started school semester. I had my midter for my buinsess 100 class. Next I take one for my business english class. I am nothappy. I can't do this anymore. I feel that I can't do anything tha ill make me happy. I need som help but I am not sure what to ask for. I have to meet with my counselor over at the daisabled office I think next weekfor next semester's schedule. But, I don't know if I want to fininsh school anymore. I feel lost. Idon't if I wantto go back. I wish I can have afamily ofmy own. But, how am I going to support myself financilly. I feel like a looser right now. I want to call a friend but I know whatshe will say. I feel like I'm alone sometimes. It's not fair. I want to be near Brett,but what am I suppose to do there. I don'twantto be a housewife. I need mor purpose than that. Some of the friends I have here in town are busy doing their own thing. I cn't bother them, can I. One hasa kid, the other is so selfish, and I can't deal with that. I have my family, but they have life of their own. I am alone. I'm just alone. I am back. I got a calll from Brett and my friend Heather. God, I think you are watch me, thank you.

I'm Tired of This

I want change. I am exercising but not getting any results. I need to see more constancy withthe exercises we do.. I need change. I might have to stop my membership and find someone else to work out with.

Frustrated

I am mad that my aunt when to the bathroom with me atmy cousin's wedding show. I know that I am blind but I am 32 years old and don't needa shaperone [sorryingfor the spelling]. Maybe it's a culturing thing or my aunt feels sorry for me, or maybe she is scared forme because I would be in the bathroom by myself. I can't deal with it anymore. I have toleave. I don'tbelong here. I live near people who are pretty shady and my parents I think want meto live near them. This was one of the stupidest things I have done yet. This was a mistake moveing nearthem. I can't deal with this anymore.

What to Do?

I amnot sure what \I am doing.I hate toask formoney from an organization. I know I need to find a way to get money to payfor my education. But I don't if I should I am staying of leaving with Brett. Idon't want to be completely dependent on him. I want to be self-sufficient that is why I want to be back to school. The degree I got is really not a specific one. I want to be an accountant.

Going Back to School

I'll be going to school next semester. I have to see Brett this summer. I feel bad I won't be with him when I do. He has been so supportive in what I do. I miss him a lot. I have to look for a ticket to go out there.

Still Living

Today's my dad's and my cousin Rica's birthday. Happy Birthday to them both. Anyway, I am happy. I want to be a star. Before I turn 40 I hope I can find away to make it out there again. I miss that stuff. Ican do it!

Just Thinking

I am just sitting here at home thinking. Of course, what does one do when one is alone. Iwent to the gym for about an hour thenI stayed home. I was invited to go to someone house but felt lazy toleave. I have been reading a book series by Diane Mott Davidson. I can't stop reading her book. Perhaps its because I like the story and the reader's voice. Anyway, I have told you how I been playing the piano and sort of sing to myself. I haven't done that in a long time. I don't why. I have been thing about the talk my brother and I had on Saturday. I miss entertaining people. I like to feed them as well as singing to them. I love doing that kind of thing. It feels good inside. I like making people happy. The applause orthe words of appreciation is nice. Guess, I'll see where I can go with this idea. I justneed to be around the right people.

Thinking Again

My brother and I were talking on Saturday night. It was a mix of everything I think. He was talking about how I used to entertain people by singing and how he wants to do the same things like acting and singing. I want that too but I am afraid. I can't do it.I am trying now to do little things like singing in my apartment. It feels weird and good at the same time. I'll see where it will take me with this exercise of mine. I do want to entertain people again. But to make money, I want to be an accountant.

I'm Going back to School

I can't wait. My Voc rehab counselor is going to authorize or at least see if shecan authorize me in going back to school. I can't wait. I will be an accountant,or an assistant accountant. I hope that Brett is going to be okay with the whole ordeal.

Nothing New

I am not doing anything new. I go to the gym with Stacey and just spend the rest of my day at home. I should do something fun, but I don't. I don't have the kind of things I used to have when I was in Colorado. I know that I can make the most of the things I do have but I don't have the security I used to have as far as the community I live in. It is horrible. I know I can just ignore it but I am afraid of being hurt, that's all.

Another Day

Nothing new is happening as for now. I just pray that something good will happen this year. Lord, hear my prayer. You're my shepperd and I am your sheep.

Need to Move On

I need to definitely moveaway frommyfamily.I feel that Iam toold to be near them especially the way things are. I can't go to my parents anymore to do laundry. I'm better than that. I don't want to clean their house either. I don't live there. I guess it's a gesture because I do laundry there. Anyway, I need to be where I can travel safely and not have to worry about being harassed or depending on my family other than moral support

Doing Okay

I'm not going to loose him.he is supportive. I got an E-mail from my voc rehab counselor about getting train in NIB which is a sheltered workshop. I can't do that, although anything looks nice right now. Other than that, things are okay for.

I Might Loose Him

I want to go back to school. But I'm afraid I'll loose him. I want to be near him. I am so tired of living alone. I want him near me all the time. I have to be near him. I am getting old. I need my boy. He makes me laugh, think, and is very supportive. We haven't been together for for 2 years that is too long. I don't know what I am doing. I am so lost inside. I want to have a purpose. I want to be near him. I feel that I am trap here and am so sad.

What I've Noticed

I can't believe the people I have met. I wantto meet intelligent people especially those that use common sense like they way they act in public. I am talking about appearance, socially, I mean living right. I know I haven't been the bestmyself, but at least be presentable. That what I need. I needto meet intelligent, down to earth, and decent people. Some that I have met have not. I need once that want to have a fulfilling life. I wantto live a live that has more meaning than sitting in front of the computer, watching TV, or seeing what tonight's dinner is going to be. Iwant alife of purpose. I can't around people who are like that, it is so depressing.

Still Deciding

I am still undecided. I want to be with Brett. I can't be with him. My friends that were around us say to go to him. The people here say that I should go back to school. Iam just tired of being alone. It's so hard. I want a career but I want to be near Brett when it happens. I'm lost.

In the Fork on the Game of Life

I am not shre what path to take. I can either go to school here where I have a lot of support and the people at the school can help me. But, Brett isn't here. I could to to school where Brett is at but I don't know anybody het and regab is not going to support me there either. They are not taking blind clients, they have to be put on a waiting list. I just feel confuse. I have been reading Joyce Myer's book on Listening to God. I have not gotten too much into the book. I just need something. I have options which I have to decide on soon.